Farn

Okay so I got cursed by university. I hate university. it torturesme bad. anyway I'm back I guess. I can't do farnul weeklies im too busy ... but also that's due to my poor time management I still need to wrangle.

But the jist of how long I've been gone

-in second semester of uni (almost over)
-Buried my abused uke pen
-Fell in love with Gudetama
-Got a bunch of palico stuff
-I feel like I'm getting better at critiquing stuff? Maybe? I need to focus on what I like moreso in reviews as constantly writing about stuff I hate is kind of like becoming AVGN but for not games.

My current goals
-Cook more again
-Fix time management
-Rejig my checklist (Still doing most stuff on it but I'm not doing well enough...)

Recently decided to start journaling. Kind of addicted actually. But anyway I've also decided that I'll do a weekly purge of what I've wrote onto my dreamwidth, alongside my own commentary added on to this, because it gives me something to do.
Now if you're wondering: oh well there's only three days here that's not a week. You'd be correct. But it's Sunday today and I was journaling before the 24th but that was lists and I'm not sharing those lists. So you're getting this.
(includes pics)

( 24/10/24 )

( 24/10/24 18:33 )

( 25/10/24 7:26 )

( 26/10/24 5:01 )

( 27/10/24 )
#END

Had my first university lesson on Monday. It was... Fine. I then went to work and was immediately told to stop saying lesson because I'm in university now (in a nice way. I'm most likely taking this more serious than it was meant because autism).

But anyway, induction week was last week, which felt like 5 years. It was just.... Really annoying? So basically it's an hour trip to my uni, and then a bit more than an hour back depending on how the trains are that day with either one or two changes. It's fine really, and I really love trains- more on that later- but it's a pain when I have to spend £18 (I'm just putting it off because I'm scared of spending £70) to get there (and back: open return).

And it hurts even more, real tearing at the wound type shit, when I'm only there for.... an hour. Or I would go there and there'd be a really useless induction lesson like one or two hours after and it's just like. why. I'm not waiting in this city an hour away where I know no one and nothing when I could... Go home an hour earlier.

Also I hate my academic tutor, plus I still haven't got my personal tutor sorted which is lovely. The uni is also majorly dicking around with my student finance due to their own mistakes with my enrollment/student accounts so I'm missing an essential £1280. Really beautiful enrollment process, very easy.

Lessons are nice though, I enjoy the lecture type....

[Time skip] Writing this now like a week after I first typed up there

I hate university RUAHAHUGRUHAGGUH

The Good:
I finally got my rail card, instead of £18 it's £12, wowzas
Induction week is no longer happening
I have a new friend(?)
I no longer have a job
I want to stay on pharmacology instead of transferring
I'm only in 2 days a week

The Bad:
It's first year
I hate everyone and everything
I have a new friend(?)
I have no friends.
I no longer have a job

So basically, everythings fine I guess but is this how I need to live? Going outside so much in public is making me question my whimsical and optimistic nature, replacing it with loathing and misanthropy- This isn't me!

I'm just filled with so much disgust towards the people around me. And by people it's mainly men, who would of guessed? I always thought my misandric tendencies were at their peak just from my general existence, job, male experiences and also my dad but somehow it always manages to increase day by day just by going places further than my job and town. It's really a testament to how outright revolting men are to cause this.

It's just the general fact that the vast majority of people have no ability to think outside of themself (this is why people use Shein, still eat mcdonalds and are generally just UNINTENTIONALLY (key word) unempathetic assholes). This is a learnable skill and oftentimes more apparent in anyone feminised (note the word I'm using, not the same as afab)- though of course this isn't an immutable fact hence why I said 'unintentionally' above (the biggest Shein/fast fashion/Temu users are middle aged women)*. But it's so. severely lacking in men it hurts so bad.

Every class I've had I've had a different guy coughing directly onto me from behind. It's just sickening. How can you be a grown adult and not think to wear a mask or atleast not sit directly behind people (I come into class early so I didn't make the choice to sit in front of them) if you're going to cough every 6 seconds? Or why even come into class if it's that bad. It's disturbing actually. Do you have no empathy? No care?

So to no one's surprise I've gotten sick. Yay. I'm going to buy a set of masks to wear when I'm outside now, sad, but helas here we are. Thanks Men.

Anyway, I also just don't like the people in my modules lol. Or my teachers/lecturers. I know it's first year but my god- is this highschool? People were better behaved and more considerate in Sixth Form. I just hope they either fail out or move to pharmacy which seems to be like a good 90% of everyone there's goal. Good riddance. Questionable though because it's steep requirements to get into pharmacy, and I must apologise because I sound like a right pompous asshole right now, but I doubt they'll make it.

I'm lying though I do like two lecturers but there's two others I just cannot stand for one reason: they think AI is okay. The other two probably do as well but they haven't mentioned it so I don't care for now. Seriously how, as someone who practices a religion based on nature, can you recommend the use of AI. 'But it's okay just use it to learn!' How stupid. I'm not even going to go into it, but even if LM AI like ChatGPT was somehow able to be correct with 100% certainty, it would still never be okay to use due to it's insane environmental impact. Suffering upon thee.

Besides that, transport is consistent (touch wood) but so annoying. The home train around 5pm is horrific as per expected, especially on Fridays. The last one I took on Friday was dire to say the least, everyone had to essentially dry hump one another and this one woman kept going back and forth between the carriages forcing us all to twerk on each other. How insidious.

I also keep finding animal corpses/roadkill on my 10 minute walk to the train station each foggy british morning. As well as that, every time it rains, at least one dickhead thinks its funny to splash you with their(his) car whilst you're walking. In a perfect world those types of people would be sent to Siberian gulags.

Also- no job! Sad sad SAD! I still have my last week(2 days) to do but ohh it's so saddening. I love my coworkers and my job in general, but I know my time management is in the dumps and I'd never be able to do any university work with it. This also means... no money. Thankfully I live with my parents so I don't need to worry about bills aside from like. basic rent. but hopefully I can do commissions to cover that...

Back onto the bad news: I still feel incredibly disconnected.

I don't know if I've ever mentioned it before, but most likely due to my autism I have always felt an intense disconnect from everyone around me. I'm unique! I'm unique... Of course it's incredibly rude and arrogant to have this sort of opinion about yourself, but you don't know me and I don't know you, we're both just making choices based on what we're both outwardly and inwardly presenting.
This has left me incredibly lonely in real life, in better words. Of course I have irl friends (well. friend. now because the others have really disgusted me for reasons I won't go into) but we have nothing in common, not that that's the end all and be all of friendship because I still love to hang out with her, but it's hard when I can't relate to anything anyone does irl.

This also makes it unbelievably hard to make friends in real life. And also just in general online too. lol.
Anyway, I've tried, believe me. But I just know that I'll never like these people. How am I meant to like a psychologist or criminologist? That's like asking me to eat shit. How can I enjoy the presence of people who read Colleen Hoover? Also just tiktok alt people in general. It sounds like I have a major stick up my ass- and I do- but it's not really friendship if you don't like the other person is it?

Onto the topic of the person I've met at uni. She's a lovely person, very kind soul, but I just can't. I just want to be left alone (said after complaining about being lonely) :(, but it's rude to tell someone that. My life is joever. I hope the best for her and also that she moves onto pharmacy so I don't have to deal with this anymore. One year.

But anyway. Life is Life. Whatever. I'm going to pet my dog

* my whole point I suppose is that when you're feminised you're forced to be outwardly empathetic and punished if you're not. This isn't a skill required societally for men. The unintentional part comes in everyone, through (purposeful or not) ignorance. In my opinion it is a continually learned skill throughout life which you need to consistently put effort into learning about the world and people around you in order to be a better and kinder person who both stands for something and can make a change through own actions.

God I keep saying 'oh I'm gonna reuse my dreamwidth again yay!' but honestly. Working fulltime has drained me! I guess? Not really actually I've just been lazy lol. Anyway, working evening shift has been such a damn eye opener like this is how I should have been living all my life... Everyone at my job is like 'I still don't know why you like this' but to be honest- I LOVE EVENING SHIFT!

I mean I can't particularly tell them the real reason why I love evening shift so much, I just tell them that I enjoy waking and staying up late (which is true) when the real reason is.... I've built my kusoterribadlife around my ameritard friends lol. When you know a group of people for like what, 7 years now? Coming up on 8? You kind of build your life around them if there's a significant time difference so here we are. Also I just don't like waking up early it sucks and I hate how everything is built around waking up early- I can't even get a greggs anymore sob sob...sniffle.... Well atleast in the shithole town I live in everything you have to wake up early for.

I've been fine anyway, particularly just... Happy! I'm happy in life where i am right now, kind of dreading university but my coworkers are making it seem better than I thought it was... Sniffle

OUNGH! Guess who's still alive somewhat? Farnul. I HAVE INDEED GOTTEN THE JOB AT THE LABORATORY! I plan on staying there for the entire 8 months until I go to uni. 3pm-10pm sounds horrible but I've made peace with it. I don't need irl friends I just need to play video game with online friends. friendship is friendship and timezones make my shit hours better! Also considering it's a lab job and from what they told me about my duties I'll probably have a lot of downtime where I can continue writing my VN (WOAH!) and various. short stories in my brain. Yaaay.

Retail job is going fine, it makes me so fucking anxious sometimes but it's fine otherwise. I'll probably go back to working there part time when I'm in uni and just keeping to the 12 hours a week rather than the 20-21 I'm working currently because MONEY £££££££££££££££££££££££. I'm excited but also. so so scared at the time lol. Considering I'll have to take the train for how many days I'm required there (which I've never done before) but on the bright side it is a more major city and I'll have more freedom in uni. However, I will have to refrain from visiting Birmingham with the new found freedom of a railcard because the women there are just too beautiful.

ANYWAYS. Onto things I'm currently doing:
Been playing more muse dash (scary), have vastly improved and I can now almost FC level 9 songs with only two fingers, though I'll have to start learning the coveted four finger technique because the speed required for just two fingers is doable it just... hurts so damn bad. and I like the ability to still be able to draw and write without pain so.
READING! Iron Widow by Xiran Jay Zhao. My friend got it me for my birthday and I don't usually read books like that (YA) but the premise is just too damn interesting to pass up (Chinese mechs? zamn!).
Considering buying Fate/Samurai Remnant because. Because I just love those types of games okay. and it actually looks interesting so. (No Karna but Arjuna's there... okay sob)
NEED to update my site and add the OC section. I have the whole thing planned I just need to code it... guh... I hate Toyhouse

STILLLLL job searching. shit seriously sucks. Either no call backs or I'm either given an interview which they suddenly cancel and say they're no longer hiring -_-. Ugh. Or there's jobs in a field I want but it's a 40-50 minute drive away and I'm unable to get my driving license until past January. My parents are willing to drive but I'd feel like such a burden making them do that drive 5 or more times a week. SUCKS! Wehhhh

Anyway, got my left helix done finally. My right one had already been done and healed fine, but I got my second lobes (which I was waiting to heal before I get anymore piercings) done at another shop also in town which was slightly cheaper because my cousin wanted to and said she'd pay + she'd always gone to this place. These piercings took a year to heal. A YEAR. This isn't even cartilage, it's still my lobes AND the one on the right is misplaceeeeddd. Sob. The only redeeming quality was that the guy who did the piercings/owns the shop is a funny gay guy and I got a really cute keychain but seriously, never going back there. Unless it's to buy another keychain lol.

My mom actually got annoyed with me for wanting to go back to the better place in town because (NOTE they are literally like £5-10 higher than the lobe mishap studio) they're more expensive. Excuse me? Same woman who still thinks Claires is good. She also blew up on me because I got a handmade phonecase and it was £22 + shipping, saying 'Ouhhh you can just get one for £3 on ebay or amazon!' the whole point is that it was handmade and I'm supporting a small business. Mother then tried to prove her point by showing me phonecases on ebay, all cheap because they're coming from some dropship mass produced shit (and also nothing that I was looking for lol).
 

( Rant )

 

just a quick update

oh duo lon.... DUO LON.... I'M SORRY THAT I FORSAKEN YOU FOR THAT BASTARD KUKRI. Truly no one can best your perfectly manicured nails, nor your cunty eyeliner and lipstick... Forgive me so you hellgate pugilist ... sob...