Unrughgungerh
Oct. 5th, 2024 03:26 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
subyssgoeitaHad my first university lesson on Monday. It was... Fine. I then went to work and was immediately told to stop saying lesson because I'm in university now (in a nice way. I'm most likely taking this more serious than it was meant because autism).
But anyway, induction week was last week, which felt like 5 years. It was just.... Really annoying? So basically it's an hour trip to my uni, and then a bit more than an hour back depending on how the trains are that day with either one or two changes. It's fine really, and I really love trains- more on that later- but it's a pain when I have to spend £18 (I'm just putting it off because I'm scared of spending £70) to get there (and back: open return).
And it hurts even more, real tearing at the wound type shit, when I'm only there for.... an hour. Or I would go there and there'd be a really useless induction lesson like one or two hours after and it's just like. why. I'm not waiting in this city an hour away where I know no one and nothing when I could... Go home an hour earlier.
Also I hate my academic tutor, plus I still haven't got my personal tutor sorted which is lovely. The uni is also majorly dicking around with my student finance due to their own mistakes with my enrollment/student accounts so I'm missing an essential £1280. Really beautiful enrollment process, very easy.
Lessons are nice though, I enjoy the lecture type....
[Time skip] Writing this now like a week after I first typed up there
I hate university RUAHAHUGRUHAGGUH
The Good:
I finally got my rail card, instead of £18 it's £12, wowzas
Induction week is no longer happening
I have a new friend(?)
I no longer have a job
I want to stay on pharmacology instead of transferring
I'm only in 2 days a week
The Bad:
It's first year
I hate everyone and everything
I have a new friend(?)
I have no friends.
I no longer have a job
So basically, everythings fine I guess but is this how I need to live? Going outside so much in public is making me question my whimsical and optimistic nature, replacing it with loathing and misanthropy- This isn't me!
I'm just filled with so much disgust towards the people around me. And by people it's mainly men, who would of guessed? I always thought my misandric tendencies were at their peak just from my general existence, job, male experiences and also my dad but somehow it always manages to increase day by day just by going places further than my job and town. It's really a testament to how outright revolting men are to cause this.
It's just the general fact that the vast majority of people have no ability to think outside of themself (this is why people use Shein, still eat mcdonalds and are generally just UNINTENTIONALLY (key word) unempathetic assholes). This is a learnable skill and oftentimes more apparent in anyone feminised (note the word I'm using, not the same as afab)- though of course this isn't an immutable fact hence why I said 'unintentionally' above (the biggest Shein/fast fashion/Temu users are middle aged women)*. But it's so. severely lacking in men it hurts so bad.
Every class I've had I've had a different guy coughing directly onto me from behind. It's just sickening. How can you be a grown adult and not think to wear a mask or atleast not sit directly behind people (I come into class early so I didn't make the choice to sit in front of them) if you're going to cough every 6 seconds? Or why even come into class if it's that bad. It's disturbing actually. Do you have no empathy? No care?
So to no one's surprise I've gotten sick. Yay. I'm going to buy a set of masks to wear when I'm outside now, sad, but helas here we are. Thanks Men.
Anyway, I also just don't like the people in my modules lol. Or my teachers/lecturers. I know it's first year but my god- is this highschool? People were better behaved and more considerate in Sixth Form. I just hope they either fail out or move to pharmacy which seems to be like a good 90% of everyone there's goal. Good riddance. Questionable though because it's steep requirements to get into pharmacy, and I must apologise because I sound like a right pompous asshole right now, but I doubt they'll make it.
I'm lying though I do like two lecturers but there's two others I just cannot stand for one reason: they think AI is okay. The other two probably do as well but they haven't mentioned it so I don't care for now. Seriously how, as someone who practices a religion based on nature, can you recommend the use of AI. 'But it's okay just use it to learn!' How stupid. I'm not even going to go into it, but even if LM AI like ChatGPT was somehow able to be correct with 100% certainty, it would still never be okay to use due to it's insane environmental impact. Suffering upon thee.
Besides that, transport is consistent (touch wood) but so annoying. The home train around 5pm is horrific as per expected, especially on Fridays. The last one I took on Friday was dire to say the least, everyone had to essentially dry hump one another and this one woman kept going back and forth between the carriages forcing us all to twerk on each other. How insidious.
I also keep finding animal corpses/roadkill on my 10 minute walk to the train station each foggy british morning. As well as that, every time it rains, at least one dickhead thinks its funny to splash you with their(his) car whilst you're walking. In a perfect world those types of people would be sent to Siberian gulags.
Also- no job! Sad sad SAD! I still have my last week(2 days) to do but ohh it's so saddening. I love my coworkers and my job in general, but I know my time management is in the dumps and I'd never be able to do any university work with it. This also means... no money. Thankfully I live with my parents so I don't need to worry about bills aside from like. basic rent. but hopefully I can do commissions to cover that...
Back onto the bad news: I still feel incredibly disconnected.
I don't know if I've ever mentioned it before, but most likely due to my autism I have always felt an intense disconnect from everyone around me. I'm unique! I'm unique... Of course it's incredibly rude and arrogant to have this sort of opinion about yourself, but you don't know me and I don't know you, we're both just making choices based on what we're both outwardly and inwardly presenting.
This has left me incredibly lonely in real life, in better words. Of course I have irl friends (well. friend. now because the others have really disgusted me for reasons I won't go into) but we have nothing in common, not that that's the end all and be all of friendship because I still love to hang out with her, but it's hard when I can't relate to anything anyone does irl.
This also makes it unbelievably hard to make friends in real life. And also just in general online too. lol.
Anyway, I've tried, believe me. But I just know that I'll never like these people. How am I meant to like a psychologist or criminologist? That's like asking me to eat shit. How can I enjoy the presence of people who read Colleen Hoover? Also just tiktok alt people in general. It sounds like I have a major stick up my ass- and I do- but it's not really friendship if you don't like the other person is it?
Onto the topic of the person I've met at uni. She's a lovely person, very kind soul, but I just can't. I just want to be left alone (said after complaining about being lonely) :(, but it's rude to tell someone that. My life is joever. I hope the best for her and also that she moves onto pharmacy so I don't have to deal with this anymore. One year.
But anyway. Life is Life. Whatever. I'm going to pet my dog
* my whole point I suppose is that when you're feminised you're forced to be outwardly empathetic and punished if you're not. This isn't a skill required societally for men. The unintentional part comes in everyone, through (purposeful or not) ignorance. In my opinion it is a continually learned skill throughout life which you need to consistently put effort into learning about the world and people around you in order to be a better and kinder person who both stands for something and can make a change through own actions.
But anyway, induction week was last week, which felt like 5 years. It was just.... Really annoying? So basically it's an hour trip to my uni, and then a bit more than an hour back depending on how the trains are that day with either one or two changes. It's fine really, and I really love trains- more on that later- but it's a pain when I have to spend £18 (I'm just putting it off because I'm scared of spending £70) to get there (and back: open return).
And it hurts even more, real tearing at the wound type shit, when I'm only there for.... an hour. Or I would go there and there'd be a really useless induction lesson like one or two hours after and it's just like. why. I'm not waiting in this city an hour away where I know no one and nothing when I could... Go home an hour earlier.
Also I hate my academic tutor, plus I still haven't got my personal tutor sorted which is lovely. The uni is also majorly dicking around with my student finance due to their own mistakes with my enrollment/student accounts so I'm missing an essential £1280. Really beautiful enrollment process, very easy.
Lessons are nice though, I enjoy the lecture type....
[Time skip] Writing this now like a week after I first typed up there
I hate university RUAHAHUGRUHAGGUH
The Good:
I finally got my rail card, instead of £18 it's £12, wowzas
Induction week is no longer happening
I have a new friend(?)
I no longer have a job
I want to stay on pharmacology instead of transferring
I'm only in 2 days a week
The Bad:
It's first year
I hate everyone and everything
I have a new friend(?)
I have no friends.
I no longer have a job
So basically, everythings fine I guess but is this how I need to live? Going outside so much in public is making me question my whimsical and optimistic nature, replacing it with loathing and misanthropy- This isn't me!
I'm just filled with so much disgust towards the people around me. And by people it's mainly men, who would of guessed? I always thought my misandric tendencies were at their peak just from my general existence, job, male experiences and also my dad but somehow it always manages to increase day by day just by going places further than my job and town. It's really a testament to how outright revolting men are to cause this.
It's just the general fact that the vast majority of people have no ability to think outside of themself (this is why people use Shein, still eat mcdonalds and are generally just UNINTENTIONALLY (key word) unempathetic assholes). This is a learnable skill and oftentimes more apparent in anyone feminised (note the word I'm using, not the same as afab)- though of course this isn't an immutable fact hence why I said 'unintentionally' above (the biggest Shein/fast fashion/Temu users are middle aged women)*. But it's so. severely lacking in men it hurts so bad.
Every class I've had I've had a different guy coughing directly onto me from behind. It's just sickening. How can you be a grown adult and not think to wear a mask or atleast not sit directly behind people (I come into class early so I didn't make the choice to sit in front of them) if you're going to cough every 6 seconds? Or why even come into class if it's that bad. It's disturbing actually. Do you have no empathy? No care?
So to no one's surprise I've gotten sick. Yay. I'm going to buy a set of masks to wear when I'm outside now, sad, but helas here we are. Thanks Men.
Anyway, I also just don't like the people in my modules lol. Or my teachers/lecturers. I know it's first year but my god- is this highschool? People were better behaved and more considerate in Sixth Form. I just hope they either fail out or move to pharmacy which seems to be like a good 90% of everyone there's goal. Good riddance. Questionable though because it's steep requirements to get into pharmacy, and I must apologise because I sound like a right pompous asshole right now, but I doubt they'll make it.
I'm lying though I do like two lecturers but there's two others I just cannot stand for one reason: they think AI is okay. The other two probably do as well but they haven't mentioned it so I don't care for now. Seriously how, as someone who practices a religion based on nature, can you recommend the use of AI. 'But it's okay just use it to learn!' How stupid. I'm not even going to go into it, but even if LM AI like ChatGPT was somehow able to be correct with 100% certainty, it would still never be okay to use due to it's insane environmental impact. Suffering upon thee.
Besides that, transport is consistent (touch wood) but so annoying. The home train around 5pm is horrific as per expected, especially on Fridays. The last one I took on Friday was dire to say the least, everyone had to essentially dry hump one another and this one woman kept going back and forth between the carriages forcing us all to twerk on each other. How insidious.
I also keep finding animal corpses/roadkill on my 10 minute walk to the train station each foggy british morning. As well as that, every time it rains, at least one dickhead thinks its funny to splash you with their(his) car whilst you're walking. In a perfect world those types of people would be sent to Siberian gulags.
Also- no job! Sad sad SAD! I still have my last week(2 days) to do but ohh it's so saddening. I love my coworkers and my job in general, but I know my time management is in the dumps and I'd never be able to do any university work with it. This also means... no money. Thankfully I live with my parents so I don't need to worry about bills aside from like. basic rent. but hopefully I can do commissions to cover that...
Back onto the bad news: I still feel incredibly disconnected.
I don't know if I've ever mentioned it before, but most likely due to my autism I have always felt an intense disconnect from everyone around me. I'm unique! I'm unique... Of course it's incredibly rude and arrogant to have this sort of opinion about yourself, but you don't know me and I don't know you, we're both just making choices based on what we're both outwardly and inwardly presenting.
This has left me incredibly lonely in real life, in better words. Of course I have irl friends (well. friend. now because the others have really disgusted me for reasons I won't go into) but we have nothing in common, not that that's the end all and be all of friendship because I still love to hang out with her, but it's hard when I can't relate to anything anyone does irl.
This also makes it unbelievably hard to make friends in real life. And also just in general online too. lol.
Anyway, I've tried, believe me. But I just know that I'll never like these people. How am I meant to like a psychologist or criminologist? That's like asking me to eat shit. How can I enjoy the presence of people who read Colleen Hoover? Also just tiktok alt people in general. It sounds like I have a major stick up my ass- and I do- but it's not really friendship if you don't like the other person is it?
Onto the topic of the person I've met at uni. She's a lovely person, very kind soul, but I just can't. I just want to be left alone (said after complaining about being lonely) :(, but it's rude to tell someone that. My life is joever. I hope the best for her and also that she moves onto pharmacy so I don't have to deal with this anymore. One year.
But anyway. Life is Life. Whatever. I'm going to pet my dog
* my whole point I suppose is that when you're feminised you're forced to be outwardly empathetic and punished if you're not. This isn't a skill required societally for men. The unintentional part comes in everyone, through (purposeful or not) ignorance. In my opinion it is a continually learned skill throughout life which you need to consistently put effort into learning about the world and people around you in order to be a better and kinder person who both stands for something and can make a change through own actions.
