Back maybe. Life is something
Sep. 7th, 2024 05:37 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
subyssgoeitaBeen a while. A long while. Since I posted here. Sorry. Anyway, as the title says 'Life is Something'.
This year, although it's not over (infact it's only September, close enough though, I'll post a more yearly round up in january or whatever) has been incredibly stressful yet fulfilling I suppose.
I'm 20 (11th October) this year, which is. Wonderful. I don't have an age complex (maybe I do really) but 20 seems like such a big difference from 19. Perhaps because I'm no longer going to be a teenager, but also because it signals two decades alive. Heugh. If anyone asks I'm still 17. I'm still always the youngest in my circles and I enjoy being the youngest- don't take that from me- but god. Twenty. Horrible word. The only hope I have in getting older is reaching 21, which seems to be the age where 40 year old butch lesbians take interest in you.
Working at the lab has been great, not that I'm leaving when I go to university (I'm still on part time for that sweet CV work experience padding). Eye opening as well, it really has cemented the fact that I really want to continue working in a lab for the rest of my life, keep me away from customers and let me listen to limp bizkit and anime OPs in some random room surrounded by cutey cute bacteria. Also people in STEM (biology particularly, not maths or physics) are so much better and interesting to talk to than people working non STEM jobs. Sorry. Anyway.
My coworker (just one the rest are great) really has been pissing me off though, almost to the point where I wanted to quit because I'd come in already stressed at the workload and hear their terrible shrill voice which'd immediately ruin my mood. They're new so it's whatever but it's annoying to be working hard as hell and I look out of my benevolent bizkit blanket haven (of which I've had to close the door because their voice pisses me off so much) to see them talking absolute nonsense and only getting a few things done whilst we're getting spitroasted by samples.
My mental health also took a real nose dive beginning August, which is the Uje, considering it's August the No Man's Land of months where love and happiness goes to die. Everything just seemed so overwhelming, I didn't feel cared for for a long and exhausting number of reasons and my coworker pissed me off. I'd just lay in bed and rot aside from working. Still kept up my skincare routine though (my skin is doing great if you're wondering).
But I soon realised it was pretty worthless to think about this. I think one of my big revelations was one day where I was stuck in bed, just couldn't will myself to get out of it, and doomscrolling obvi. I came across one of those bullshit self help posts that kind of spiritual but also kind of atheist post 25 and drug addiction era women repost all the time, which I can't even remember now considering how much it struck me. Long story short it got me out of bed and thinking, 'Damn, nothing matters.'
Despite that, I had a bit of a menty b in the nicest way possible a few days after, cry for help type of stuff, eventually I just turned everything off and went to bed and finished reading A Certain Hunger (great book btw) and cried myself to sleep. I woke up not too long after and everything was still silent. No one had responded not even a peep. I assume it was suppressed by the algorithm. For a few seconds I was like 'Oh my god no one cares I'm a horrible person I should blow up please just end my suffering already' and then I realised 'Oh my god no ones cares'. That was the best part. No one cares. So why should I? I felt a real wonderfully chill wave wash over me after that, nothing matters so I should really stop complaining and just suck it up lol.
The other revelation was realising I shouldn't give a shit about my coworker. I went home after two days of being incredibly angry at their ineptitude, previous few weeks their existence was like a consistent pestering on me leading to me being in a horrible mood. Compounded by the Big Dawning Iceberg of University and August shit breath it was an understatement to say I was absolutely fuming. This isn't usual for me, nor is it actually usual for me to hate someone as much as I hated my coworker. I'm a relatively kind and patient person (as per what my friends and mom say lol).
But anyway I was in the throes of anger when I had a moment of clarity. Why am I feeling this way over someone so... wormy? Like the coworker is one of those people who if you say you've done something, they've done it too but 500x better. Also another spoiled richy rich who pretends that they aren't lol. Also really loud and annoying. I thought on it more and I realised that it's actually quite sad for them yknow? Most people aren't like that unless they're really uninteresting and just want to fit in, so I should stop being angry at them. I can't quite get over my hatred for them, but I'm zen now, the situation is more akin to a horse(me) and a fly. Irritable but altogether harmless.
I'm much happier.
Anyway, University starts soon, which is stressful. First lesson is this month. I've got four years of pharmacology, woo....
My dream really is to be a virologist, though I really just want to work with little bastards (viruses, bacteria, fungi or parasites), so I should really be taking microbiology rather than pharmacology but my hope is fandangling my way through yknow. It's just a ridiculous amount of work, because I've gotta do my whole bachelors, then masters and a bunch of tests and then more tests and a doctorate involving medical school to become a virologist if I'm going to go the NHS fast track way. 8 years in total (masters + phd). I don't particularly want to do the NHS way though because it involves medical school and I don't really want to be a consultant virologist (it's not as front facing as say an actual doctor but still). I'd rather just be stuck in a lab forever and ever. Let me shriek in horror as I leave the lab and my eyes adjust to the light.
Regardless, my plan is to leave with my bachelors and either stay at my sandwich year job, my job rn or some other (maybe) higher paying lab job for a few years and then move onto my masters. repeat. PHD. Maybe I won't maybe I will. I just want to make a difference in life, no matter how small. Also I want to discover a little bastard so I can name it after Cao Cao lol. The money certainly helps too. 77k and growing to be a consultant? Zamn....
The biggest obstacle is experience but I feel like I'm covered due to both my current job and the sandwich year. Most other students won't have that upon leaving university so I believe I'm set.
There's not much else to talk about right now. I'm going to make a post about all the books I've read this year with mini reviews for them. There's quite a few stinkers, but also just as many or more books I really enjoyed. Fuck Maeve Fly. I'm also still working on yaoi. lol.
Love you all c:
This year, although it's not over (infact it's only September, close enough though, I'll post a more yearly round up in january or whatever) has been incredibly stressful yet fulfilling I suppose.
I'm 20 (11th October) this year, which is. Wonderful. I don't have an age complex (maybe I do really) but 20 seems like such a big difference from 19. Perhaps because I'm no longer going to be a teenager, but also because it signals two decades alive. Heugh. If anyone asks I'm still 17. I'm still always the youngest in my circles and I enjoy being the youngest- don't take that from me- but god. Twenty. Horrible word. The only hope I have in getting older is reaching 21, which seems to be the age where 40 year old butch lesbians take interest in you.
Working at the lab has been great, not that I'm leaving when I go to university (I'm still on part time for that sweet CV work experience padding). Eye opening as well, it really has cemented the fact that I really want to continue working in a lab for the rest of my life, keep me away from customers and let me listen to limp bizkit and anime OPs in some random room surrounded by cutey cute bacteria. Also people in STEM (biology particularly, not maths or physics) are so much better and interesting to talk to than people working non STEM jobs. Sorry. Anyway.
My coworker (just one the rest are great) really has been pissing me off though, almost to the point where I wanted to quit because I'd come in already stressed at the workload and hear their terrible shrill voice which'd immediately ruin my mood. They're new so it's whatever but it's annoying to be working hard as hell and I look out of my benevolent bizkit blanket haven (of which I've had to close the door because their voice pisses me off so much) to see them talking absolute nonsense and only getting a few things done whilst we're getting spitroasted by samples.
My mental health also took a real nose dive beginning August, which is the Uje, considering it's August the No Man's Land of months where love and happiness goes to die. Everything just seemed so overwhelming, I didn't feel cared for for a long and exhausting number of reasons and my coworker pissed me off. I'd just lay in bed and rot aside from working. Still kept up my skincare routine though (my skin is doing great if you're wondering).
But I soon realised it was pretty worthless to think about this. I think one of my big revelations was one day where I was stuck in bed, just couldn't will myself to get out of it, and doomscrolling obvi. I came across one of those bullshit self help posts that kind of spiritual but also kind of atheist post 25 and drug addiction era women repost all the time, which I can't even remember now considering how much it struck me. Long story short it got me out of bed and thinking, 'Damn, nothing matters.'
Despite that, I had a bit of a menty b in the nicest way possible a few days after, cry for help type of stuff, eventually I just turned everything off and went to bed and finished reading A Certain Hunger (great book btw) and cried myself to sleep. I woke up not too long after and everything was still silent. No one had responded not even a peep. I assume it was suppressed by the algorithm. For a few seconds I was like 'Oh my god no one cares I'm a horrible person I should blow up please just end my suffering already' and then I realised 'Oh my god no ones cares'. That was the best part. No one cares. So why should I? I felt a real wonderfully chill wave wash over me after that, nothing matters so I should really stop complaining and just suck it up lol.
The other revelation was realising I shouldn't give a shit about my coworker. I went home after two days of being incredibly angry at their ineptitude, previous few weeks their existence was like a consistent pestering on me leading to me being in a horrible mood. Compounded by the Big Dawning Iceberg of University and August shit breath it was an understatement to say I was absolutely fuming. This isn't usual for me, nor is it actually usual for me to hate someone as much as I hated my coworker. I'm a relatively kind and patient person (as per what my friends and mom say lol).
But anyway I was in the throes of anger when I had a moment of clarity. Why am I feeling this way over someone so... wormy? Like the coworker is one of those people who if you say you've done something, they've done it too but 500x better. Also another spoiled richy rich who pretends that they aren't lol. Also really loud and annoying. I thought on it more and I realised that it's actually quite sad for them yknow? Most people aren't like that unless they're really uninteresting and just want to fit in, so I should stop being angry at them. I can't quite get over my hatred for them, but I'm zen now, the situation is more akin to a horse(me) and a fly. Irritable but altogether harmless.
I'm much happier.
Anyway, University starts soon, which is stressful. First lesson is this month. I've got four years of pharmacology, woo....
My dream really is to be a virologist, though I really just want to work with little bastards (viruses, bacteria, fungi or parasites), so I should really be taking microbiology rather than pharmacology but my hope is fandangling my way through yknow. It's just a ridiculous amount of work, because I've gotta do my whole bachelors, then masters and a bunch of tests and then more tests and a doctorate involving medical school to become a virologist if I'm going to go the NHS fast track way. 8 years in total (masters + phd). I don't particularly want to do the NHS way though because it involves medical school and I don't really want to be a consultant virologist (it's not as front facing as say an actual doctor but still). I'd rather just be stuck in a lab forever and ever. Let me shriek in horror as I leave the lab and my eyes adjust to the light.
Regardless, my plan is to leave with my bachelors and either stay at my sandwich year job, my job rn or some other (maybe) higher paying lab job for a few years and then move onto my masters. repeat. PHD. Maybe I won't maybe I will. I just want to make a difference in life, no matter how small. Also I want to discover a little bastard so I can name it after Cao Cao lol. The money certainly helps too. 77k and growing to be a consultant? Zamn....
The biggest obstacle is experience but I feel like I'm covered due to both my current job and the sandwich year. Most other students won't have that upon leaving university so I believe I'm set.
There's not much else to talk about right now. I'm going to make a post about all the books I've read this year with mini reviews for them. There's quite a few stinkers, but also just as many or more books I really enjoyed. Fuck Maeve Fly. I'm also still working on yaoi. lol.
Love you all c:
